Happy Easter? This picture was taken only a day before he was diagnosed. As you can see in his face he's cranky - and it has nothing to do with the bunny ears on his head. I think of this picture often when his blood sugar is high - I see this look now and know it's going to be a high number.

Tommy was diagnosed on April 25th but 2 years ago that was the Monday after Easter so each Easter since then has been a mixed emotion day for me. I can't help but think about that Easter 2 years ago. I decided to change my mindset this year. You see I've carried around a good amount of guilt about that weekend for the past 2 years.

Easter morning after going through his basket Tommy wanted to eat a piece of candy the Easter bunny had left that he had wanted to eat every time he had seen it in the store - I know exactly what it looked like  - it was Sponge Bob candy that looked like a hamburger...anyway...I had let him have a piece before breakfast because it was Easter after all. Then I made his favorite breakfast - pancakes, syrup and chocolate milk. We ate and got dressed for Church. This was enough time for the perfect storm of sugar and carbs to erupt into a little boy that was unrecognizable to me. When we got to church he cried because he didn't want to be there, he needed to go to the bathroom and on the way back he yelled at me. He was SO angry - yelling at me  - telling him I shouldn't make him go to church - that he was mad at me and he wouldn't stay! Now to many parents that sounds like a run of the mill temper tantrum but Tommy wasn't that kind of kid and he had an anger I had never seen before. I actually said to him that I didn't know what happened because he wasn't acting like himself. We went to my sister's house - a place he loves to go and all he did was lay down and cry. I chalked it up to a long weekend.

So with all that I knew and have learned about diabetes I know I did not cause his diabetes but I have carried around guilt for the past 2 years for the way he felt that Easter - I cooked the food - I gave him chocolate milk - I let him have candy. No one wants their child to be hurt or in pain and to know that what I gave him made him feel so badly makes me so sad.

This Easter as we sat in church I decided to leave my guilt there. I'm not even sure what gave me that freedom to let go of that feeling that has hanged around for so long. Allison was playing with her new dress-up jewelry, Tommy kept looking at his Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle watch and Brady was busy throwing goldfish at the woman next to me - an average Sunday at church. I know that we are doing well, Tommy is doing well and that's all I can ask for. I can't feel bad for 1 day 2 years ago for the choice of breakfast food. Happy Easter? This year, yes, a Happy Easter!