Thursday, August 1, 2013

Memories

It's funny how memories work. I have so many memories in my head of my children from the time I learned I would be having each of them to today. Ninety-five percent of these memories are all good - the first smile, the first mama, the first I love you, the first day of school. They will never remember those firsts so I email them. I have email accounts for each of my children and I email them about the sweet things they do or pictures of a kindergarten graduation. On their 16th birthdays they will get their login and passwords and will learn of all the memories I have saved for them. For Tommy his emails will have other memories, ones that I hope when he reads them will not be a factor in his life anymore. I hope and pray that by the time he is 16 diabetes will be a disease people USED to have and will just be a memory. The emails I send him are filled with my pride for the first time he tested himself or about the day he got his pump and his new friend Lenny the lion. I want him to know as he grows up how incredibly brave he was at the age of 4 being first diagnosed and how quickly he learned the tools to help take care of himself. Each thing he learns gives him freedom - a freedom that was taken away on April 25, 2011. The emails are to remind him of all that he has accomplished and all that he can do.

Today when he woke up his blood sugar and ketones were high - for the second day in a row. Yesterday I changed his site (it was site changing day anyway) and all was good from then forward so the high number today either means he's sick or a bad site. I gave him his correction (insulin for the high blood sugar) and insulin to cover his breakfast with in a shot so I knew he'd get the insulin he'd need. As I was giving him the shot he asked if he was scared of shots when he "got" diabetes  - I said you were but you we worked on it. I said "Don't you remember you got to watch trailers" He said "I don't, I was too little".  I cried - I couldn't help it. I'm a together person in front of them. Since he's been diagnosed there has been maybe one time he's seen me cry and that was right after I had Brady when I completely lost it and didn't think making it through the day was possible with a 4 year old with diabetes, a 1 year old and a newborn but that was more about post baby hormones then anything else. Today I was just so sad for him - two years is enough time to forget what it was like to get insulin shots for the first time. I am happy he doesn't remember how difficult it was at first, how it took both Tom and I to give him shot. That we needed to hold his hands so he didn't try to hit our hand away, the crying before every meal because it meant he would need a shot. Thankfully those days ended quickly thanks to an ipad and lots of hugs. I'm glad he doesn't have the memories of that I have but I can't help but think he won't have a memory of what life was like before diabetes. Tom does, he was old enough at 9 to remember things before diabetes.

Memories are a tricky thing. Today my ability to remember makes me sad for days before April 25th when Tommy was just a kid - not a kid with diabetes. Sometimes the weight of the responsibilities seem so much more then others. I don't ever feel sorry for myself though because I know these responsibilities will be his one day - I see it with Tom. There are some days that you just say "today sucks" and you move on. I'm moving on...his numbers are better....ketones are gone....we've moved on to the topic of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I'll pass on emailing him today - Saturday he gets to play with some of the kids he'll see in 1st grade - that will be a great email to send!