Everyone's Wish

I want to share a conversation between Tommy and I at bedtime tonight.
Tommy "My pinkie hurts from testing my blood"
Me "Sorry to hear that we will let that finger rest for a while"
Tommy "I wish I didn't have to test my blood"
Me "Me too buddy"
Tommy"I wish I wasn't born with this. I wish I didn't have diabetes"
Me "Everyone wishes that and there are some really smart people working on a cure"
Tommy "Smarter then you?"
Me "Yes smarter then mommy"
He smiled and rolled over in his bed.
I share this because we have a conversation like this for at least 2 to 3 nights after his quarterly doctor's appointments so I expect it now. After some appointments he cries and just says he doesn't know why. It is truly the worst feeling for a parent to not have the ability to take his hurt away. Days like this make me wish I knew every scientists phone number and could call them and tell them all to stop what they are doing to find a cure. I know they are closer now then when he was diagnosed, which is good news but its not here yet. People are quick to say how lucky it is that there is insulin and how "manageable" the disease is. I have to point out that insulin is NOT a cure its just keeping him alive till there is one. And as far a management...it's not like taking care of your teeth - you brush maybe 2 or three times a day and floss, go to the dentist and hope for the best. It's a 24 hour a day management - you are thinking and acting for a vital organ that no longer works. As I type this I'm waiting for his blood sugar to come up from 75 just to check again at 3 to make sure it doesn't drop again.
Tomorrow will be 2 years since Tommy was diagnosed. The day meets me with mixed emotions this year because of his doctor's appointment for non diabetes things saved for another blog when I can wrap my head around it. But as far as his A1c it was good and his numbers looked good too so no changes. I have continued my tradition that I started last year - I have signed up for the JDRF walk on Oct 13th. Our team will be back trying to do what we can to help find a cure. I hope our team grows even larger this year. I can't tell you the pride tommy felt this year (as did Tom and I) seeing everyone in their team shirt. We are so lucky to have such loving friends and family and so many businesses to donate.
There is not a day that goes by that I don't wish for a cure...I think that's everyone's wish.

Happy Easter? This picture was taken only a day before he was diagnosed. As you can see in his face he's cranky - and it has nothing to do with the bunny ears on his head. I think of this picture often when his blood sugar is high - I see this look now and know it's going to be a high number.

Tommy was diagnosed on April 25th but 2 years ago that was the Monday after Easter so each Easter since then has been a mixed emotion day for me. I can't help but think about that Easter 2 years ago. I decided to change my mindset this year. You see I've carried around a good amount of guilt about that weekend for the past 2 years.

Easter morning after going through his basket Tommy wanted to eat a piece of candy the Easter bunny had left that he had wanted to eat every time he had seen it in the store - I know exactly what it looked like  - it was Sponge Bob candy that looked like a hamburger...anyway...I had let him have a piece before breakfast because it was Easter after all. Then I made his favorite breakfast - pancakes, syrup and chocolate milk. We ate and got dressed for Church. This was enough time for the perfect storm of sugar and carbs to erupt into a little boy that was unrecognizable to me. When we got to church he cried because he didn't want to be there, he needed to go to the bathroom and on the way back he yelled at me. He was SO angry - yelling at me  - telling him I shouldn't make him go to church - that he was mad at me and he wouldn't stay! Now to many parents that sounds like a run of the mill temper tantrum but Tommy wasn't that kind of kid and he had an anger I had never seen before. I actually said to him that I didn't know what happened because he wasn't acting like himself. We went to my sister's house - a place he loves to go and all he did was lay down and cry. I chalked it up to a long weekend.

So with all that I knew and have learned about diabetes I know I did not cause his diabetes but I have carried around guilt for the past 2 years for the way he felt that Easter - I cooked the food - I gave him chocolate milk - I let him have candy. No one wants their child to be hurt or in pain and to know that what I gave him made him feel so badly makes me so sad.

This Easter as we sat in church I decided to leave my guilt there. I'm not even sure what gave me that freedom to let go of that feeling that has hanged around for so long. Allison was playing with her new dress-up jewelry, Tommy kept looking at his Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle watch and Brady was busy throwing goldfish at the woman next to me - an average Sunday at church. I know that we are doing well, Tommy is doing well and that's all I can ask for. I can't feel bad for 1 day 2 years ago for the choice of breakfast food. Happy Easter? This year, yes, a Happy Easter!